Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the oh my gosh I am already bored...

So, I went to see Indiana Jones this weekend. I love all the others and I had to see this. I mean there was never a question of whether or not I would see it, even if it had gotten terrible reviews. The reviews were mixed, but everyone that I knew who had seen it didn't like it. They warned me not to go, but like I said. I had no choice. Plus Ebert gave it 3 and 1/2 stars and me and Ebs usually see eye to eye, so I still go in thinking I will like it.

!!SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Jason had told me there were aliens in it so I was prepared for that. I mean I like a good alien movie, just wasn't sure how aliens and Indiana Jones went together, but I put my trust in the almighty Spielberg and figured he could make it work. So you find out pretty soon in that Cate Blanchett's Russian mob is looking for aliens for some reason. None of this bothered me so far. I also liked that the movie didn't ignore the issue of Indy's age. He isn't quite as spry as he used to be - although he is MUCH more agile than any other 65 year old I know - and I thought it was smart that the movie recognized that from the beginning. It helps the audience to believe a little more I think.

So Indy teams up with Shia La Beouf - who is a total cutie and, in my opinion, a good actor - and they head to the Amazon area. They find a crystal skull that can speak to them through its eyes, little Amazonians living in caves, Shia's mom who is Indy's ex, an old man driven crazy by the skulls power, giant ants that carry a man in to their ant hill and...if it sounds a little ridiculous, that's because it is. I was enjoying the movie for the most part until about an hour or so in. As soon as Shia is straddling two cars, sword fighthing Cate while getting hit in the nether regions by very tall grass or trees, I was done. From this point on I think I looked at Jason and said 'Really?' about ten times. I now will steal from Amy Poehler and Seth Myers in Weekend Update with a section called Really?

Really?
Shia is straddling your car and another car and you are trying to get him off your car. Your options are a) fight him with a sword until he falls back in to his car or b) drive away, and you pick a. Really?

You are driving toward a cliff at full speed because you know there is a tree there that will gracefully lower your apparently water proof vehicle in to the river below you without drowning all of you. All to beat the people, climbing down the cliff with ropes, to reach the cave with the skulls first and you didn't think you might just stop the car and cut everyone's ropes. Really? Not to mention you go over three more water falls in the same car without a single drowning incident OR losing your crystal skull. Really?

Then you are out of the river only to realize you need to cross it again AND get through the waterfall to the cave that looks like a skull so you can reunite the skulls and gain control of the Kingdom. And you apparently can just hyper jump in to the cave since we see you there half a second later without a drop of water on you. Really?

You get the idea. It starts getting stupid and just gets stupider. I won't tell you how it ends...you wouldn't believe me anyway...but it is about the same. I wanted to like it and didn't, although I am glad I saw it. I mean I couldn't have not, so it doesn't really matter. I just hope that there are no more sequels and maybe we can just pretend this one didn't happen? That makes more sense than the movie did.